Saturday, March 6, 2010

And Breathe........,Just Breathe

I love having a blog. I really do. When I was little I hated keeping a diary. Yet i wanted one. But I hated that feeling of being obligated to write in it. Or when something bad happened I felt that "Fuck, now I gotta right it down." Why I felt like that? Have not a clue. But either way, now that I have this blog. I can express every feeling ever without it feeling like something on my back. I went and saw my ex boyfriend today. Greg knows about it of course. But, I should not have went. Nothing happened, god no. But hanging out with him was strange. And this lonely person sunk in. I felt bare. I felt like I needed some type of male contact other then my dad. A guy friend to hang out with. And we hung out. But for some reason everything felt wrong. He did not flirt with me ore anything terrible. He is actually in a relationship where he is happy, well, he claims he is not but actions yell louder then words. But overall, hanging out with him made me miss my husband. Because I felt I should not be here. But what the hell is am I suppose to do? Wait for Greg to watch a movie with? Wait for Greg to chill with? Wait for Greg for life to start? Am I losing my god damn mind? Everything about today felt wrong and nothing wrong happened. I think deep down. Im over this. Distance is horrible. Only god knows what Greg is doing. All those places....Far away from me. He told me he felt tempted alot but never fell through.Whatever the hell that means.
I was with Rose for the rest of the day. Me and him hung out for just a couple of hours...catching up on old times. He was a high-school sweetheart. Last I saw him I was 17. I am 24 now. He kept making jokes about how I eat too much. Pretty much turning into my mother. It would have never worked even If I was not with Greg. No one would have worked. Well, when I was with my girl Rose, she put a towel down for my food, the way greg use too. And I broke down and cried. It hurt. I fell apart. Not a good week you guys. Not a good week at all. Not a good way to end the first week of March.
I wanted to do a video of how I felt but my face was so fucked up with bumps I decided fuck it. Like I said I have been breaking out so bad. And toothpaste made it even worst. Now it looks like a scar. But I been trying to make it look better and better by using Poise foundation and Covergirl shit to make it look not as bad. Yet I made it worst. So tonight I took a shower, washed out my new curly locs (fuck them), and washed my face. Im going to let it breathe, and people can stare and my face all they want. I was suppose to hang out with the ex again tomorrow but......he said no.
I have not heard from Greg in a week. Exactly today. Because it is Sunday. Have not even heard from him at all. I sent him a email stating my sadness of him not emailing me. Who knows. All I can to is breathe.......just breathe...

I feel second for everything. Second for everyone. I feel a mess. I actually know I look a mess. I should have stayed home today. Stayed in my bed. And just breathe. I dont want to check me email and find nothing that says Gregory Mcneely. That would hurt....
Just like him not caring
I should not feel this way....
I so do not live by my tat.........
How can I..?
Why me?
Why him?
Why him....again...?

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