Mod The Bod:Thoughts About Bodies

I was watching The Price Of Beauty. It is the show with Jessica Simpson. It was actually a really good show. I got teary eyed a lot. I believe Jessica out did herself with this show. It was actually very good. This show was super powerful. I know the ratings for her show was not good at all. It is wild when I see beautiful woman, just like Jessica Simpson who have insecurities. Jessica said that she had weight issues all her life. Jessica interviewed some high school girls in L.A. and all of them felt they were way to big, when all of them were at least a size 6 or 7. That blows me away. If they think they are fat, what the fuck do they think I am? Obese?

I went to the doctor today because my period is out of wack. I got it all solved, and I am fine and as healthy as a horse. But when I got on the scale it blew me away...I had no clue how big I was. I am pretty big. I sometimes feel like I have the reverse thing with anorexia. I do not feel that I look that big. Then again maybe my height is saving me.

I have no clue how I truly feel about my body. I feel sometimes all women big and small have these insecurities. Some days I wake up and I feel beautiful and I feel that I fucking sexy as hell. Then there are times I wake up and I can not believe how big I got. I know why I am the size I am. Its a long story. But I know what happened, my downfall. I have a ugly relationship with food. I am not as bad as I use to be. I calmed down.

Most of my main friends are thick. Brit and Rose are both thick girls. Then there is me. I am bigger then both of them. Then all the rest of my homies are skinny. Holly is tiny. Crystal is tiny. And yes, thats a picture of me feeling up on my white friend Holly. She is crazy hot. I mean, as I look around, especially here in California, this is all I see.

So I have no clue where I stand on my body. All I know is my past. And all I know is that I am happy in my life. I want to learn how to fall in love with myself everyday instead of every other day. I wish I knew if this was normal or not. I am not sure. I look at old pictures of myself sometimes and realize I gained over 50 pounds over the years. I sometimes want to change it but, I love doing what I want too much. I do not believe in restriction. I believe in doing what the fuck I want to do. I believe in going into a diner and ordering an ice cream blondie with carmel wrapped all over it.. Fuck a salad. Goodnight.
Say good night to Rose's ass as well. Thats her at the beach beside my house...Love her...see u in Cali soon baby! wink wink!