Saturday, May 22, 2010

Locked Caged Bird: Setting The Mind Free

I feel sometimes that I am too scared with life. I think I have this warped perception of what life really is. I guess thats what happens when you live in a bubble. I guess I am that person who walks down the street trying to jumps over crack, afraid of breaking my mother back type phobia. It is so hard to explain my feelings. Mainly because no one can understand my brain and how it works other than me. It is like how doctors study patients. Not because its there job but because they truly do not understand that mother-fucker. I feel mis-understood a lot. My views are totally different then everyone. I work in a way that most people can't work. I honestly think I have major anxiety issues and need some freaking valium. I know I would get addicted so I stray away. I hate being so different from other people sometimes. I always think so much into things and worry so much that my head feels like its about to explode. Is it possible that worrying comes from family genetics? I know my Mom worries like I do, but I remember my Grandmother did as well. She would worry more then anyone. I even remember her worrying at a young age. I am guessing I am thinking I am just like them. And thats fine. But thats why I admire such racy people like Gaga and others, who are daring and do not care. Something I could never really do.
People think maybe that someone being a worry-wart is not a big deal. That it is something someone can get over. I remember my best friend Rose at the age of 11, she wrote me a list in Math class. The list was a whole bunch of things to not worry about and why I should be happy. I remember that list till this day. We were very young but I actually used it. I would read over it when I felt some thing coming on. I might ask my doctor about it. Why not? I am still sick anyway. I love my life. I love my new family. *wink wink* I am happy. But my brain literally finds something for me to worry about. Like I have this strange little demon that works my brain. It sucks. Because even though its me, I can not control my own thoughts.

Maybe I should buy a chicken soup book...?

I tell all this to Greg...all the time. He does not get why I worry so much. But he did tell me his theory, and it made a lot of since. I love that he listens to me.
He is my rib. I know the whole Adam and Eve story, Eve is the rib... but...I could only describe him as one thing. My rib.
I am drawing a lot more. I am trying to draw my feelings out on paper, also I am trying to kick my skills up. I am having fun with it. Its cool. Eventually I want to make my own life and people on paper. A place I can escape too. Its always nice to go on vacation with something else distracting me. I promised myself I wold do on the beach and read. I am once I get a good ass book. The book I bought called "The Host" was lame. It was getting good but now it is getting slow as fuck. I bought it because Stephanie Meyers wrote it...the Twilight chick. Big mistake. So Rose and I are gonna read this book called Fortune and I am waiting for my copy to come in the mail. Thanks to our good friend Charles, he recommended it.
Its 10:00 here. I am in such a sour mood. I feel like crap. Honestly. I am still kind of sick, I want soo bad to get off birth-control and my head is going bonkers. I need to make a list of things that make my happy, and things that make me unhappy...the unhappy things I need to stay away from...

Top 3 Things That Make Me Extremely Happy:

  1. Greg
I have been married to him for almost 3 years now. Overall we been together for 8 years. There is still never a dull moment. When he was deployed it was so hard. But to roll over and see him, that makes me super happy, and actually blessed...a word I never used. He would be number one. He never is moody to me, he never yells at me (no bullshit...), he always holds me even when he knows I am being a spaz. He even says he loves my good and my bad. I was made for him, as he was for me...Okay, I am done being a mushy pot.

2.) Buddha

It is not my religion. I never practiced it. Nor was I ever brought up with it. But I have grown towards the whole "way of life" that it practices. I meditate. I love hearing water fountains and smelling incents and smelling flowers. I love seeing buddhas everywhere. It seriously gets me calm and relaxed. So I buy alot of Buddhist things. I have them all over my house. It makes me happy. A woman named Mary once told me to put things in your house that make you smile. Decorate your life with things that make you feel good. When your home you should feel relaxed and safe. She was so right.

3. Friends

I talk about Rose a lot on here. I have videos galore of us being crazy and silly. But there is nothing like someone to chill with that will always have your back. She is more like my sister. We look nothing alike, I am aware of that. I wish we did look alike sometimes because then I could only acknowledge her as that. But because we look different, I just say she is my friend. She fixes everything. She knows things about me Greg has not even figured out yet. LOL! I wish I could roll with her more but she is back home in Maryland.

Top 3 Things That Make Me Unhappy And Pissed

  1. Brain
I am my own worst enemy. My brain makes me think so much things. I already talked about this already so this is no surprize. But you can not get away from your own thoughts. It is really complicated. I am one of those people who worry about little shit too. Like If I forget to lock the door I get weird and think about for hours and hours. I need jesus..:/

2. Diets

Because they have been shoved down my throat since I was 13 years of age. I will never diet again. Not saying I don't believe in healthy living and eating right. Its cool. I do that when I need too or want too. Its just like when a preachers daughter is told not to do this and not to do that and when she finally leaves the house, and she is "free"....she goes crazy and fucks. When you are held back, you rebel. Now, I am not a preachers kid, but I am the personal trainers kid. So you can do the math. I just will never diet ever again. I find it sad also that the bigger I got the more happier I became. I was told all my life that you will never find a man that will marry you at a size 16. I am a size 18 now, but at the time I got married, I was a size 22. I said, you do the math. I refuse.

3. Assholes

I cant stand a douche bag. Man or woman I can not stand a douche bag. Douche bags are everywhere and come in many forms. I hate people who are assholes to people over envy and jealousy. I have always been open about my jealousy. I do not care. What am I not open about thats the question? I hate a idiot motherfucker. I do not want to name names but there is about 5 people on my list that I do not like. Ughhh...UGHHHHH AHHHHH!!! Next subject..some people don't deserve my thoughts...*ughh*
Okay I am done


  1. As of May 12th I have been married for 3 years too.

    I am a worrier also, a virgo I am. So it is one of my traits. I believe that it comes from me being afraid of three things. Disappointing anyone, fear of outcome and fear of growing up. I am an adult but sometimes I get afraid of adult responsibilities if you know what I mean. My heart makes me unhappy because I always takes things too serious and that makes me curse a bitch out.

  2. While worrying can be genetic often times it is also learned behavior. When a child is surrounded by something they tend to pick up the habit themselves.
    Personally I think you are pretty out there, you are always a riot of color and you love it. Not in terms of your clothes but your personality. I always liked that.
    And seriously...fuck diets.
    eating healthy is awesome but diets are just so...ricockulous... fuck'em.

  3. yes diets are so so overated.
    and i know what you mean by admiring people who aren't afraid of anything like Lady GaGa. I wish I could be like that too, it's really hard though. you just can't be afraid at all of what people think of you...and that's the most challenging part for me.

  4. Hi,
    I lurk your blog and I just wanted to let you know that I think the drawings that you've put up are pretty awesome.

  5. thank u sooo much...that made my heart warm...