It is exactly 8:00. I am such a spazzer, an I realize it more and more as I get older. I also realize why I am such a spazzer everytime I hang out with my family. My mom and I are just alike. It is one of those things where you remember being 10 years old thinking your so not like your parents. Then you grow up realizing you are, or you have "tendencies" like them. You can't really run from your creator. I remember showing my parents my plane ticket back home to California, and my Mom saw on my ticket I had 3 connection flights. The first thing she says is "What if they lose your bag?" My face like wrinkled up and I was like "Why would you say that? Now Im gonna think thats going to happen." Me and my mother are so much alike. There were times me and her never got along but till this day if she needs me I would drop everything. I remember being a teenager, and I could not stand my Mom. What teen doesn't at one point. Whether its your dad, mom, grandma or not. I mean till this day we have a different eye sight as in the way something should be, but if my mom needed me. I would drop everything. It is so funny. Also it is pretty strange since I am writing about this now. There is such a huge loyalty there for her that I can not explain. It is weird and I am not sure if every daughter has this loyalty factor for their mothers. I find mine odd. Only because me and my mom had our differences. I guess there is something that happens when you get born...I guess that cord they cut off becomes imaginary or invisible. I feel mine is still there. There is such a connection to my mom and I can not shake it. Its super strange. I would do anything for that woman, yet, we don't click all the time. Don't get me wrong. Teenage years with her was rough. Adulthood years with her are not bad. But I believe even in the midst of having an argument, and we are yelling and screaming, and I saw something about to fall on her or harm her in anyway, I would push her aside and take the fall. I find that deep, almost scary.
Sometimes I think people should ask themselves would they do that for a family member.
Its a good question.
So I am one of these people who spaz and worries alot about things when life is going really really well. I find shit wrong or worry about things that might happen. It sounds crazy. But I want to learn how to use my art in expressing my feelings. Alot of people think I do already when I really do not. I draw to create. Or I draw when I get inspired by something very pretty. I never draw when I am mad or sad. Because naturally I can draw. It is not hard for me and it became something I did for homework or for a show. I never really sat down and drew how I felt. I want to be that person who is in the corner with their huge Hot Topic hoodie, drawing in there sketch pad thats covered with Skull Bone Stickers and headphone stickies and all you hear is their Ipod blasting when you go near them. I love that person, I love watching them, because they are in the zone, somewhere I want to be. I can never get there. I want to try though. So I am going to buy a sketch pad and try to...move myself...again. I tried this in Maryland and I have no clue where that pad is. I think I drew one picture then gave up. I had this friend who had this boyfriend who could draw something serious. He created charectors with his mind and just created places and people. I could never do that. I draw more realistically, I never draw cartoons. But I would love to create one. He was super good man. I think he finally moved out of Maryland as well, as everyone did. Him and my friend I have not spoken to them in a long time. I do not think they are together. But I know there getting hitched one of these days. I feel something...
So back to the subject at hand..
I am buying a sketch pad again, and I am going to force myself to create my own world to escape too. Everyone thinks I am so creative and I can draw bit in reality I can not even create a person in my head. I need directions. LOL! I am going to ask my friend Jackie how she does it. She creates people and places and comes up with these amazing charectors...that moved me. I wonder how she did it. I want to do that. I look at Fafi who created this whole world of people and I sit here knowing I could draw them....but, I want to draw my own. It will start here.
One more try.