Im sitting here. Watching “Big Love” on HBO. My mind is going a bit crazy. I took some sleeping pills to try and get some rest, otherwise, Im up with myself and my thoughts. Not healthy. I feel like I wanna talk and talk. I have so much to say. About everything. Im thinking about my life. Im thinking about my decisions. Im thinking about my marriage. Im thinking about Greg, my husband. Hearing his voice tonight was sweet. Almost like a dream. Yet, It felt like two strangers. Afraid of saying the wrong thing. He told he mover the phone he loved me, and he can’t wait to see me. How I am always on his mind. It makes me feel amazing. That he still feels that way. I can’t imagine doing another deployment. Without him. I can’t imagine him gone again. Us, growing seperate, doing seperate thing, living seperate lives. After awhile you think Its normal to cheat. After a while, being faithful sounds like a joke. I mean, how long can you really stay faithful when a person travels all the time, away from you. How do you build a love life and a relationship when the person will be gone most of the time. Im thinking alot.
This is the first time and moment I want Greg out of the Marine Corps. I love the traveling, I love the stuff It gives us. Yet, I think I love us more. I feel now that I would rather be poor, angry and pissed with him then without him wealthy and happy......does that sound crazy. Because I honestly think there can’t be a strong future for us if he stays a Marine. He told me every port they go to its like Hoe-Central. Im happy he is honest with me, but god damn that scares me. Everything scares me. Whats a woman to do? Stay wealthy and stable and live a life away from Maryland, and have her husband gone most of the time. Or, him get out of the Corps, we have to struggle, two people with no degrees or a home, waiting on kids and a future, back home with parents.....yet, I would have him everyday.....all the time, I wouldn’t have to worry about him ever leaving, again.
Im in love with this guy. We been together since I was eighteen, Im now twenty four. Hes my bestfriend, my lover, and a amazing husband who would do damn near anything for me. Hes one of thoose guys that even if he fucked up to the highest degree...I would stay and work it out. His potential is amazing.. we are amazing. My head is so going crazy right now. Alot to think about
So anyway....
"I love you....damn it..."
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