Thursday, February 4, 2010

Strawberry Gashes: When I Am Queen

This week is finally over. Finally. And I finally heard from Greg. Finally. I went to Ross and got my Mom some pajamas. Just to be nice. To get on her good side. Because this weekend Maryland is getting 20 inches of snow. So I will be in the house with her. So to stay on the good side, I got her a nice pair of silk pajamas. Rose (my BFF) said that would be a good idea. As soon as I gave it to her she seemed happy. Then she mentioned how its not good that I am 24 without.....Ummmm...nevermind.
Basically, picking something negative about me all over again. Something that it a sore subject for me. Very sore subject. Because I know I am not perfect. I know I will never be good enough in her eyes. I know she will always be disappointed in me. I know she wishes I was different and not plus sized. She told me she would look at me walking around huge and big and she would be so sad and disappointed about it. I know Im not much of a success story. I never will be. Im a failure in her eyes. My father is even a failure in her eyes and he does everything for her. EVERYTHING.
In a way I wanna be able to please her because she is my mom. But I have to understand that will never ever happen. But I do not think I will ever have that understanding. I was talking to Rose ( the BFF) about a friend I use to have. Me and her had a huge fall out. But her mom was so amazing and understanding. There was a time I saw her sit on her moms lap and she just talked to her, while her mom rubbed her hair. That always stuck with me. Because I want that with my own mom. But I know that could never be. Ever. You cant have everything. Only thing I can do is be that way for my children. Just be a good mom. And not judge them so much that they feel like a failure no matter what.
Sorry for the story of my life but why lie and say Im great.
I found this new band called Jack Off Jill. The CD cover is above. The chicks on the carousel. Great cd so far. The song I like the most is called Strawberry Gashes. Story of my life these days. For those who do not know and are confused by my pictures. I listen to rock music. Metal music. Alternative music. Mainly death metal and rock and roll. I listen to everything really but that is what I listen to on the daily. Very different from your average black chick on the east coast. But I relate to the music more. I am what people consider Emo, just I do not wear my hair over my eye and I don't always wear all black. Anyway, listening to Jack Off Jill made me feel so much better. Well, not all the way. But majority of the CD helped me to say fuck it. When you have a screwed up parent I guess it is more easy to relate to goth/punk music. Suburbia kids with rich parents and they don't get enough attention....yea.........thats me. I get attention but, my parent sucks ass. My dad rules but my moms a blow hole.

So any way.., Strawberry Gashes is a very deep song. But the lyrics are pretty at home...
So Im drawing again. I use to always draw skinny girls but this time Im gonna sketch women who look like me. Curvy and Thick. Try something different. The picture of this chick is just something I posted because she looks amazing. Im gonna try and draw more people like her. Tomorrow I hope to draw some Jack Off Jill inspired drawing. Something about how I feel. I never draw anymore. And I use to do it on the regular. I need to figure my life out....

Apart of me feels like I already have my life figured out already, I just let peoples opinions concur me. Geez, I wish thing were different with me.

By the way, did you guys see Lady Gaga at the Grammys sunday night? She is so amazing....... subject...
My toe hurts so bad. I stubbed it and it was bleeding everywhere. Ouch. But you know what. Hearing from Greg was something I needed. Hearing from Im reminded me that I do not live here. I don't. I forget that. I forget that I live with my parents. I forget that this is not my home. Sometimes I even forget that I am married. My life is more then just this asshole mom of mine hounding my nerves. I have a life outside this place. I need to remember that. That this is my life. 2 months left, and then you can burn.....

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