Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Fearing The Lost Of My Solitude

Going back to school is going to be such a drag. I start soon. I really loved my break away from it but its time to get it cracking again. I think my kidney infection is gone. I hardly take the pain meds anymore, just the antibiotics. I would kill for a gloomy day in California. Right now its starting to be sunny again. I love gloomy days. We never have them here. I sleep better when its cloudy outside. So I did my hair today and put them in aluminum foil to make ringlets for this weekend. I was up at 5 in the morning doing it. Im tired of being sick. I am tired of getting sick. No pictures of outfits have been taken because of my pains. The shirt I wore to the beech last sunday is all I got which is below.
Gotta love shoulder sequence.

I got so much stuff I want to show but I feel like crap, yet at times I feel like it never happened. I got new books over the weekend. I got that Twilight book...about the young vampire Bree. It just came out actually. I also got this book called The Last Vampire, and it is off the damn chain. I love it. Hard to put it down.

Can I get off subject for a minute?

I have a fear. A real fear. I am going to share it online because I do not care if anyone knows. I want to get it out and off my chest. So here it is. I am terrified, absolutely terrified of children. They don't scare me as in I want to hide but the thought of having one scares the shit out of me. I have no clue why. I always feel like you have to be a certain person to be a mom. I am so not "that" person. I just can not imagine someone relying on me for everything. That is super scary. I look at my parents (who had me at 31) and they seemed to be the perfect parents. My mom stayed at home and my dad went to work and read books. Like my family was very "leave it to beaver" like. So I look at myself and I look at Greg and I just do not see parents. Do I want children? Yes down the line, of course. But sometimes I feel I will never be ready. Kids scare me because its so much responsibilities. I also love my solitude and doing what I want. I spent my whole teen years trying not to get pregnant, so I guess thats why I am so uneasy. I am also the only child. I never had a young sister or brother. I have instincts at all when it comes to children. Is it just me? Should I just live my life and not worry issues? I do not know.

This is my wallpaper as I type....*sigh*

This dress is sick! Love it!

This is done in water color by some artist and its super awesome!
Rihanna in the Raw

what a fierce bitch baby
curves ahead...
art...beautifully done
when does the runaways come out on dvd?


  1. Yes yes yes to every sentiment you have about kids. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It's like you are in my head. <3

  2. It's nothing wrong with having that kind of fear. Not everyone is meant to be a mother, but you are not one of those that aren't. I think given some time you would be a fine mother, but Perhaps you just aren't ready or you don't feel mature enough. A lot of people say they are afraid of children, and nobody is really ready for them. It's one of those things where it just has to happen for you to know how you will handle it.
    Don't worry too much about it because when it comes down to it, I think you'll be fine at it when the time comes.