True Life: No Fashion, No Passion, Just Thoughts....

I think way too much. I hate it. I want to do what other people do, which is take one day at a time. I want to not always look into the future. I want to relax and enjoy the ride. You know what my problem is? I expect life to go a certain way. I expect things to happen good all the time. I expect so much from nothing that its actually sad and pathetic. I got the tattoo Let It Be 0n my wrist to remind myself "its okay". I seem to never look at it. Ot I over think and knock it because whatever I am feeling is more important to myself. I think we all have something about ourselves that we can not stand. Its normal.

I want to have a relaxing day today. No school at all today and I was given no homework. I am going to take advantage of that this weekend.

My brain is so against me it seems. I can't just shut thoughts off. Or maybe that everybody at some point and time. I think today I am going to draw. Finally. I keep falling off the band wagon. I know I want to get my dad his birthday gift this weekend. I just need and want to stay positive. I read some of that 1000 awesome things website just to lighten my day up. It worked. Its so free and open. I love it.

So my birthday is Sunday. Its cool. I am happy. I am going to be 25. Im pretty happy about it. I would love to go to the sushi bar but, no, not this time. I think I want to stay home. Cuddle up to Greg and watch the VMA's. An award show I never miss and never have missed. That is what I want. My parents sent me some mula. What to do with it? I have no clue, its a nice BIG chunk of money. Torrid maybe?

Overall my life so far is full. I love everything about it. I worry about things I have no control over and I think I have to just accept that about myself. Thats not going anywhere. What I can do is just try to live life by the day. Enjoy what I have. Enjoy everything about right now, this moment. Its hard when your a negative person at heart. Its hard to break out of that dark shell.

Maybe I will one day...

So one of my girls from Math class had the nerve to walk in with this freaking shirt on. Did we bond or what? I think you can guess...lol!

Math is going great, I think. Thats the only class Im worried about. All the rest I know I will pass with eyes closed. I just need to realize Im not good at everything....I need to get over it...

Sorry for the dramatics but I need to keep myself upbeat today. I feel low. For my own reasons. I need a pick me up, or then again, I need to stop worrying so much about things I can not control. I can tell myself that a billion times but, it never helps. My brain is a highway of thoughts, just racing. This weekend since I have birthday money, I am going to do things that make me happy. Or at least try too. I want to get in a state where I feel light and not heavy.

Going Into A Bookstore

I love going into Borders or Barnes and Noble. The store is big and it always smells like coffee and pages. I love the atmosphere. Because in a way, people are there reading to escape or learn something new. No one is loud, everyone feels comfortable and non threatened. People are on there laptops and mac books while drinking from the cafe. I feel so wonderful in a book store. I will go to one today.

Singing Loudly While Driving

It sounds simple. But for me, it brings a smile. Whether its rap or pop music, yelling to my favorite song reminds me how powerful music is for me. The changing of the pitch when trying to catch that high note. Rapping fast trying to catch up to your favorite rapper. Or that song that you just sit quiet to because it reminds you of a person. All these are moments that spin and make me smile. Being trapped in your car with music beating your eardrum is a luxury. I will blast my music today.

Going To An Art Store

Walking in an art store is more of a personal happiness. The people in the store are who you are. Creative beings. It feels good to know your one of them. Watching people pick out their sketch pads, knowing their about to enter there own imaginative world. A sketch pad to me is like a plane ticket to anywhere you want to go and create. People picking up pencils and watercolors for paintings. Kids picking out their coloring books and old women picking up their yarn and stencil. I see an art store like an airport. Everyones brushing around to get what they need in order to travel abroad, creatively and mentally. I shall go to Michaels today.

Im going to stay positive. I have my health. I have amazing friends. I have a loving husband who is my rock. Which scares me from time to time because I lay on him alot for strength and purpose. I feel guilty that I do that. Yesterday I was sitting at the computer and he was on the couch. He kept looking over at me. I looked upset I guess. He asked no questions and told me to come with him. I layed down and he gave me a nice massage and I fell asleep once more. I would have just taken that moment as a birthday gift. It scares me the fact I would not imagine my life without him. He is everything for me, my best friend, my enemy, my lover, my heart, my soul, my demons, my all.

He is.

So Im going to get dressed for the day. Wash, be fresh. Look in the mirror and say "Life is not perfect but today I WILL have a good day." I express my feeling, I never hold back. I do not know what its like to be vulnerable. I am a book you can just open. I feel love and pain. I am human. Today will be my day. The weekend will be my weekend if any. Happy Birthday to me. My gift for me is change.