Saturday, October 9, 2010

Awaiting To Conquer: Octobers Life Session

So Greg and I made it a Blockbuster weekend again. Splice was a very good movie. I loved it. You can see from the movie still that the movie was...well....odd. But it was a beautiful movie. I loved it. Alot like Species but totally different. I loved the story line, I loved the concept. Its was very very good. I would recommend it.

I think Im getting sick. Here we go. Im coughing a bit and my throat hurts. It was super cold last night and I had my window open. Fuck. I hate coughing all night long. Thats what a cold consist of. Fuck! Last thing I need right now is a cold.

So, I went shopping yesterday and got some amazing things, I shall post this week. Great buys as well. What fun!

Off subject..
I feel so sleepy, but can't sleep...shit.

As for school....

Im in it. I have been studying for fractions so hard.
Yesterday I took a break and said screw it..
Because I just needed a day to myself...

I saw this BAD ASS dress in Torrid...All green, on sale...
It was one of those dressed that if I partied, I would have so got it...
But I don't party...that dress was so bad ass..

I feel like my mind is everywhere today. Crazy and free.
And getting sick.
Maybe I should get soup today, instead of Coldstone?

But anyway, as for math, its there. All I can do is my fucking best. And thats it. Why I am so "duhhh" when it comes to math I have no idea. Im not a bad student. Thats bullshit. Its just that a test is like 50% of your grade, you know? I go to class everyday, never missed a day. Turned in all homework and all classwork. Have great quiz scores, but they count like 5%. And a fucking test is like the rest of it. I mean I get it, but half of us are not math people and will never use this bullshit again...
My major is: Graphic Design and Illustration with Computers..
Everyone says...
"Oh well, you might use a little geometry.."

*side eye*

No, I wont..

Enough complaining, Im sorry. This is my haven to vent.

Tomorrow I will try...
and study fractions some more...

My bff Rose and I had a great discussion yesterday. I enjoyed it. Rose and I are so different and our opinions are as well. I thought I would share it. Rose brought up the recent bullying issue that is going on in America right now with gay teens. Rose sees it like this...Basically, she feels that kids today are kind of.."soft". She believes that bullying did not just start happening out of nowhere, which is true. And it has been going on forever, whether its being straight, gay, fat or whatever, it always existed. She stated that she feels kids these days are more soft and more delicate then the last generation, people did not just kill themselves. That maybe if parents toughened up on their kids, they will have more of a back bone to defend themselves..

Not going to lie, she had a point...

She said being gay these days are not as bad as it was a few years ago where we did not have artist like Lady Gaga having their backs. Being gay these days are embraced and more open, even in high-school. Being different is kind of in. And everyone is bisexual these days, so why the suicides...

I get her point.

But my thought on it was....

Back then when I was in highschool, there was no facebook. There was rarely anyone with there own cell phone. Kids are already evil (I think..) So you give them access to the internet, its going to go nuts. I have been bullied. And I could not imagine it being took outside the classroom, onto a world wide web where people post statuses and dedicates a facebook sites that says "We hate Tia". This has been done.

Could you imagine?
But some people are stronger then others.
Rose for instance..
Guarded me in middle school...
She protected me from anyone, who had anything mean to say...
High school for me was amazing, no one bothered me...
But middle school..
I was tormented.
Thank god for Rose, honestly...

Im not as strong as Rose, I never was and never will be. We are two different girls. I mean these days, I mean, Im 25. I have bills. You can call me a fat ugly fucker, I could give a shit. Why? Three reasons...
1.) I got bills...
2.) Im married and somebody liked it
3.) I get happy..

"When ya gettin money you don't have a care.." -Nicki Minaj

But back then..
I would have cared.

The news saddens me.

I was tormented in middle school hard. I mean it was evil what people said and did to me. Till this day, I have major issues from it. Not bad ones. But, I will clinch..till this day..if someone says...certain things or if I am driving behind a school bus, at a stop light. I would remember. Everytime. Have I thought about suicide when in middle school? All the time. I kid you not. I remember getting laughed at and talked about every single day. I still remember all their names. I remember being tormented on the bus so much that I had to get school authorities to come on the bus for people to leave me alone. Kids literally scared me off the bus. It was painful. I cried everyday. And I tried to end my life because of it.

When your 13 it feels like the end of the world.
When your 13 you feel like you have no one
When your 13 you want to be popular.
You like boys.
Your coming into your own...

At 25, now looking back and seeing this on the news...its sad. Because now its gotten worst. I could not imagine going on my face-book and seeing everyone telling me to go kill myself. Kids have done this to other kids!

I do not think suicide is the answer...
But I know that feeling...when you want to give up..

words hurt.

And till this day, those people who fucked with me on that fucking bus...honestly...I don't forgive you. I hope all of them still get what coming to them. Forgive my ass. Looking back, you pushed me to suicide, and honestly thats what you wanted...
I remember one "guy" saying..
"Why don't you just jump off the Empire building and die.."
What if I had listened to what he said?
I wouldn't be where I am today.

Im not gonna sit here and act like the past didn't hurt me. It did. But Im glad when I was 13 (which I was at the time)I did not totally give up...
Someone loves you..
and they may not say it but...
someone..really cares...

Plus when your older, you start not to give a fuck.
I swear..
These days I could give two humps and a pump about what "so and so" says about me. I want people to talk about me now. That means you are on their minds all day long. That means someone is taking their time out for you. And honestly...If someone is not making fun of you? Not commenting mean things on your Facebook? Not texting you mean things? Not leaving mean remarks on your blog or websites, I honestly think your not doing something right..
Have people think about you...
If they say
"I hate Tia, she is such a fucking bitch, I hope she dies..."
I am doing something right..
Because that means you "love" me
Enough to the point I make your skin wrinkle...

I think that way now..
At the 13, I did not...
Growing older..
changes things...

All and all..
You start to not give a fuck..

"This will pass, Let it be..."

"Songs That Got Me Through"
Then and Now

1.) Let It Be by Paul McCartney (I got it tatted on me, it reminds me to let it be..)
2.) Its The Climb by Miley Cyrus (yeah its Miley but listen to the words..)


  1. That's so awful. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to be bullied to suicide. You are a rolemodel for getting through it and getting to where you are now! x

  2. As a writer I know words hurt, but I think I also agree with Rose. Parents coddle so much these days and it makes you weaker. Like when you pull a butterfly from the cocoon instead of letting them struggle. The struggle makes the wings strong.

    Not everyone is immune to words true, words can hurt; and children are cruel. When I was in middle school I didn't much care what people thought of me. I got called names more times than a little bit. Then in eighth grade my dad died. Then I really didn't care. I adopted the 'as long as you keep your hands to yourself' policy... I think it was because my dad was so strong and he made sure I was strong. I couldn't see being weak when I came from him.