Locked Caged Bird: Setting The Mind Free

I feel sometimes that I am too scared with life. I think I have this warped perception of what life really is. I guess thats what happens when you live in a bubble. I guess I am that person who walks down the street trying to jumps over crack, afraid of breaking my mother back type phobia. It is so hard to explain my feelings. Mainly because no one can understand my brain and how it works other than me. It is like how doctors study patients. Not because its there job but because they truly do not understand that mother-fucker. I feel mis-understood a lot. My views are totally different then everyone. I work in a way that most people can't work. I honestly think I have major anxiety issues and need some freaking valium. I know I would get addicted so I stray away. I hate being so different from other people sometimes. I always think so much into things and worry so much that my head feels like its about to explode. Is it possible that worrying comes from family genetics? I know my Mom worries like I do, but I remember my Grandmother did as well. She would worry more then anyone. I even remember her worrying at a young age. I am guessing I am thinking I am just like them. And thats fine. But thats why I admire such racy people like Gaga and others, who are daring and do not care. Something I could never really do.

People think maybe that someone being a worry-wart is not a big deal. That it is something someone can get over. I remember my best friend Rose at the age of 11, she wrote me a list in Math class. The list was a whole bunch of things to not worry about and why I should be happy. I remember that list till this day. We were very young but I actually used it. I would read over it when I felt some thing coming on. I might ask my doctor about it. Why not? I am still sick anyway. I love my life. I love my new family. *wink wink* I am happy. But my brain literally finds something for me to worry about. Like I have this strange little demon that works my brain. It sucks. Because even though its me, I can not control my own thoughts.

Maybe I should buy a chicken soup book...?

I tell all this to Greg...all the time. He does not get why I worry so much. But he did tell me his theory, and it made a lot of since. I love that he listens to me.

He is my rib. I know the whole Adam and Eve story, Eve is the rib... but...I could only describe him as one thing. My rib.

I am drawing a lot more. I am trying to draw my feelings out on paper, also I am trying to kick my skills up. I am having fun with it. Its cool. Eventually I want to make my own life and people on paper. A place I can escape too. Its always nice to go on vacation with something else distracting me. I promised myself I wold do on the beach and read. I am once I get a good ass book. The book I bought called "The Host" was lame. It was getting good but now it is getting slow as fuck. I bought it because Stephanie Meyers wrote it...the Twilight chick. Big mistake. So Rose and I are gonna read this book called Fortune and I am waiting for my copy to come in the mail. Thanks to our good friend Charles, he recommended it.
Its 10:00 here. I am in such a sour mood. I feel like crap. Honestly. I am still kind of sick, I want soo bad to get off birth-control and my head is going bonkers. I need to make a list of things that make my happy, and things that make me unhappy...the unhappy things I need to stay away from...

Top 3 Things That Make Me Extremely Happy:

1. Greg

I have been married to him for almost 3 years now. Overall we been together for 8 years. There is still never a dull moment. When he was deployed it was so hard. But to roll over and see him, that makes me super happy, and actually blessed...a word I never used. He would be number one. He never is moody to me, he never yells at me (no bullshit...), he always holds me even when he knows I am being a spaz. He even says he loves my good and my bad. I was made for him, as he was for me...Okay, I am done being a mushy pot.

2.) Buddha

It is not my religion. I never practiced it. Nor was I ever brought up with it. But I have grown towards the whole "way of life" that it practices. I meditate. I love hearing water fountains and smelling incents and smelling flowers. I love seeing buddhas everywhere. It seriously gets me calm and relaxed. So I buy alot of Buddhist things. I have them all over my house. It makes me happy. A woman named Mary once told me to put things in your house that make you smile. Decorate your life with things that make you feel good. When your home you should feel relaxed and safe. She was so right.

3. Friends

I talk about Rose a lot on here. I have videos galore of us being crazy and silly. But there is nothing like someone to chill with that will always have your back. She is more like my sister. We look nothing alike, I am aware of that. I wish we did look alike sometimes because then I could only acknowledge her as that. But because we look different, I just say she is my friend. She fixes everything. She knows things about me Greg has not even figured out yet. LOL! I wish I could roll with her more but she is back home in Maryland.

Top 3 Things That Make Me Unhappy And Pissed

1. Brain

I am my own worst enemy. My brain makes me think so much things. I already talked about this already so this is no surprize. But you can not get away from your own thoughts. It is really complicated. I am one of those people who worry about little shit too. Like If I forget to lock the door I get weird and think about for hours and hours. I need jesus..:/

2. Diets

Because they have been shoved down my throat since I was 13 years of age. I will never diet again. Not saying I don't believe in healthy living and eating right. Its cool. I do that when I need too or want too. Its just like when a preachers daughter is told not to do this and not to do that and when she finally leaves the house, and she is "free"....she goes crazy and fucks. When you are held back, you rebel. Now, I am not a preachers kid, but I am the personal trainers kid. So you can do the math. I just will never diet ever again. I find it sad also that the bigger I got the more happier I became. I was told all my life that you will never find a man that will marry you at a size 16. I am a size 18 now, but at the time I got married, I was a size 22. So..........like I said, you do the math. I refuse.

3. Assholes

I cant stand a douche bag. Man or woman I can not stand a douche bag. Douche bags are everywhere and come in many forms. I hate people who are assholes to people over envy and jealousy. I have always been open about my jealousy. I do not care. What am I not open about thats the question? I hate a idiot motherfucker. I do not want to name names but there is about 5 people on my list that I do not like. Ughhh...UGHHHHH AHHHHH!!! Next subject..some people don't deserve my thoughts...*ughh*

Okay I am done

10 Things That Made My Night: Episode 1

What a night. Great night. Great laughs. Tonight was fun. In the words of my beloved artist Lady Gaga "Once you kill a cow, you gotta make the burger." Top ten things that made my night. Lets start this off big and then end it with a bang. A goodnight sleep. Sweet dreams. No deadlines in the morning. No appointments. Just sleep. Lets end monday night with inspiration, fashion and most of all, celebrities. We claim we hate, but, we actually love.

1.) Fuck Is My Mac Concealer???
Mac makes me happy. And I am glad I got my girl Rose hooked on eye shadow and eye liner. Now we can play make up together and pretend to be barbies. Well, I would be the plus sized Barbie, dipped in chocolate. I guess. Make-up rocks. Makes me feel like a girl. Makes me feel fun and sparkly. Goal is to get some glimmer shimmer pigments very soon from Mac.

2.) Obama Drama
Dude. How rad is this picture of our president. Take away all the politics and all the health care bull-shit going on. This has to be the coolest fucking pre-presidental picture ever. How rad is this? I think all the republicans and Elizabeth Hasselback can agree..(Elizabeth is from The View..I watch it every morning like an old putz).

3.) Hello Titty Kitty
Nuff said. I like the pussy.

4. Angela In The House
How bad ass is Angela Simmons? She is the CEO of Pastries and she got that player Bow Wow hogging her chain. Thats a bad bad bitch. She made my night.

5.) Tatz With Statz
How cool....

6.) Blazerz Sadlez
Can I find a nice blazer not a size 2????

7.) Pappa Glazzez
gimmie...

8.) Kendra
Thats a real woman. If you watch her show you know what I mean. I love her. She is so real about love, weight, woman issues. She is a real chick. And her husband is hawt and loves her so much. I love it. Just adore it.

9.) The Other Sister
The one they said was ugly. The one who they said looks like a tranny. The one they said was ugly and looked like a man in a dress. The one who was an outsider. This bitch outdid both her prettier sisters, married herself a Laker who is worth over 10 million, has no prenup with that man, and never has to work again. You better work Khloe.. whos ugly now? Wurk bitch

10. Lady Gaga Twit Pic
I wonder who she is sleeping with these days?

Fingers Pressed: Happy Friday

The Last Week Of February: I cant even believe it.

Its a Tuesday. Not much has happened for me. But some stuff has. I bought my ticket home on sunday for California. How amazing. It was almost surreal buying it. I just made some awesome hot chocolate that I am about to sip while I write. Its a calm and moody day. All clouds. Something I did miss about Maryland. I loved my erie Edgar Allen Poe days. Clouds everywhere with not a lick of sun. Easy to sleep and easy to relax. When it is sunny outside it makes me feel I need to leave or I am missing out on something. I tried to make an appointment for the dentist this week but it seems like no one takes fucking Tricare. I mean it was already a bitch trying to find a doctor around here that takes it. So I think I might wait till I get home. I know where the Dentist is back at California and I know who takes what. I made a promise to myself, and It might not be happening right away, but I will not forget. I am going to take the time and take care of my teeth. And yes, I have to make promises to myself or else I wont do it. Works for me.

The picture with the Hello Kitty necklace is something I really own. Rose bought it. But it is suppose to signify our friendship. And the fact even if we are apart when I go back home. We still have a piece of each other. Pretty gay, but its very meaningful to us. She is my best friend. I have the guy kitty and she has the girl kitty. Which is only fair...because I own sooo much hello kitty shit, I think she deserves the girl one.

I want those shades by the way....sorry off topic...
So very soon, time is winding down. When I think about it, I feel weird about seeing Greg again. It has been so long. I might not even know what to say. Sometimes I get scared that he will fall out of love with me. Why? Because my mind has nothing better to think about. I miss him. And this is the longest we have ever been apart. 8 months is a long time. Very long time.

I saw Shutter Island by the way. It was good. I actually loved it. I saw the bootleg because no one wanted to see it with me. I also wanted to see The Crazies but no one wants to watch that either. See, this is why I miss Greg, he wants to see everything with me. Even shit we might think is dumb. I miss that. I miss him. Soon we will be together though. It will actually be next to one of the best days of my life. Seeing him after bootcamp was one of the best days of my life, this will be another special day.

wow.

One Month And Some Change...

Saturday. The 20th. Of beautiful February. Im learning very well how to spell these months since Im pretty much counting down. Well, I got my doctor appointment out the way. Getting things that need to be done done. I was suppose to hang out with Rose yesterday but my head went ape shit and my mouth started hurting as well. I actually went to be at 5. Woke up at 2 then drugged myself all over again just to wake up at 8. Now I am craving Waffles and I can get any because everyone and there mom is asleep. Im just up. I should have went out yesterday. I do not know. I do not know how I am feeling. A little pissed off and a little anxious to get the fuck out of Maryland.

I find myself daydreaming of California again. I see the places in my head. I see Pirates Cove, I see interstate 5, I see him. It all seems like a dream. Me living in California with my husband. It seems like it never happened. Maybe because Im here with my family and I am hanging out with Rose again, like I never left. So I guess when I remember California it is almost a little bit of a high. Because I know that It was once a reality. And it feels good, and I catch myself smiling. As for Greg. I feel nervous almost. They guy I have been with for almost 8 years Im scared of seeing him. I feel almost shy. Imagining me going toward him and saying hey even scares me.

Im buying my ticket tomorrow off Expedia. I can not believe that this is it. I will have 1 month till I see him. Wow. Its like the time flew by but yet it didn't. Getting an email from him makes me remember I don't reside here anymore. I find myself reading his emails twice in one day. I can not wait to be with him again. You have no idea. I guess in order to make this month go by fast I should not pay attention to the dates and keep myself busy, but who am I kidding?

OUCH: I Dont Feel Great..But I'll Get Better, For Us...

"OUCH" Thats how I feel....... Trust me I am going......

Im in pain. Kind of. I do not feel very well. I need to go to the Dentist right now. Im going tomorrow. My head hurts. My brain hurts. I can't just hide the pain anymore. It hurts. Its not painful but it does not feel right. I am afraid of Dentist, only because everyone says shit. People be like "Omg! When I went to the Dentist they drilled so bad!" WTF! I don't want to deal with that but it looks like I do not have a choice. Like I said, the last thing I want to deal with is a fucked up mouth while trying to make-out with my husband who I have not seen in almost a year. Fuck, I so do not want to do this. But I need to. I heard from Greg. He is very good. I am so proud of him. I miss him. I guess in a way I am doing this for him. Making things good when I see him.

Man I wish I felt better.

A lot happened today.

Things that were funny and things that made me very upset.....

Whatever...